Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.