Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes