NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
house sitting!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Generation gap…
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.