Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is