Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.