ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
You Might Also Like
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Still a very good boi….
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted