Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy