wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
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my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge