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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I’m not lazy
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married