Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.