“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose