Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
so, is there a mister shapen head
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes