me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
reviewed some movies recently
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
At an art museum and I thought this was art
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish