It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
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Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.