Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands