5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
You Might Also Like
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
LOL!
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”