I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!