i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
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*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
getting corrected
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Meme Monday.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.