SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school