Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.