I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you