ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.