A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.