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Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[eulogy]
line?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’m good, thanks.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Catercrombie & Fish
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”