babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
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Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.