I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs