Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Happy Thanksgiving
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle