Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
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Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
For the orator and chef in all of us
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.