Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
You Might Also Like
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
No, he would not have.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!