Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
You Might Also Like
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy