professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
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[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?