[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Anyone really
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*