imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
This is so me 😂😂
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.