The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
In Canada they just call them geese
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
asking santa clause for nudes
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am