If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant