I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
You Might Also Like
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
FINE, I WON’T.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.