[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
You Might Also Like
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …