My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
You Might Also Like
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.