I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Me as a therapist: omg same