Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
They’re really bad with fonts.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I hope they boil the right one.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.