All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You Might Also Like
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work