What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
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having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?