I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
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You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
peeping toms
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.