I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
You Might Also Like
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
me before I type out affect or effect
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
i wish we could shoplift online
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Ha.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.