“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My whole life was a lie.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.