First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close