My oldest chicken is going through henopause
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Liquor Store Parking