My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.