Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
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Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.