RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*